Diaries of a gurl in love

EPISODE 3

Weeks passed and Suzan was falling more and more in love with Jeff, her mum noticed her cheerful spirit but never asked her about it.

Jeff was a secret between Suzan, Lean her kid sis and Lynette her friend. Meanwhile, Jeff was trying to explain to his mum why he wouldn’t return home that weekend, Jeff actually lied to Suzan. Yes he was an only child to a Togolese mum and a Nigerian dad but a 3rd year student in Stanford college New York.

He was charged with a rape case in school, his dad decided to send him back to Nigeria for a while to reduce the tension and chaos. He then decided to flex awhile and have fun before heading back, unfunately for Suzan, she fell into the wrong hands, becoming a victim of circumstances.

It was a Thursday, Suzan just came back home from lectures and was so so tired when her dad called, telling her to get herself and her kid sister ready, he was coming to get them to go to Ibadan for a thanksgiving service. His younger brother got promoted to Air vice marshal (AVM), so he had invited the whole family to come over to Ibadan and rejoice with them. Suzan’s dad had called their mum first to inform her about the thanksgiving but she insisted that he told the kids himself.

Suzan was reluctant at first because she hated her cousins, they were pompous, arrogant and spoilt, but she wanted to please her dad so she agreed. She called Jeff and told him she will be spending her weekend in Ibadan and will return on sunday. He was not happy as he had plans too for the weekend, his flight was for Monday.

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When they had started the so-called relationship, he was just out for fun, he didn’t know Suzan will be so into him and the relationship thingy. She had established the fact that she was a virgin at 22 and was ready to continue being a “V” till she was 25. She was planning to get married at the age of 25.

Bullshit Jeff thought, as sex was the only thing he really wanted from the pretty, intelligent, funny and attractive Suzan. He told her he was okay with her going to Ibadan and he will see her the evening when she returns.

***********************************************************************

Suzan told her kid sister Leah about the weekend trip and helped her pack up.
The next day was Friday and Suzan’s mum and Dad were getting ready when Suzan returned from lectures informing them of a test coming up the next day which was Saturday. Although she hated school, she was a little bit excited about the test, she won’t have to put up with her annoying cousins for 2 days. Her dad on the other hand wasn’t happy with the news and thought she was lying so he called her level cordinator who happened to be his friend. Dr Eze. confirmed that the test was true, her mum wanted to stay back but Suzan insisted that they go. After serious convincing, Suzan’s dad agreed and her family took off.

Suzan rested and started reading for her test when Jeff called to find out if they had arrived, since they were flying. Suzan told him about the test, he was happy and told her he will soon be at her house. He said he was doing something close to her area.

Jeff showed up at 7:25 pm, Suzan served him rice and stew, they talked about alot of things and she was having real fun, only that she was too hyper-active and laughing alot. She knew she wasn’t high on drugs as she has a very light brain that can’t take even snapp which was just like 2% alcoholic. They watched a movie and were talking about her test when she discovered Jeff was all over her, touching her in an improper way.

She knew she needed to stop him or run or something, but she was too weak to do that. Before she knew what was happenening, Jeff had gone half way undressing her, telling her he had waited for this opportunity a long time ago. He told her if she truly loved him, she would lay back and allow him get what he deserves.

Cold tears were running down her cheecks, she now understood what was happening and the only word she could describe what was coming was rape…

POWER OF A SMILE

Whenever I see a bright-eyed baby smile, I see the joyous innocence that brighten even the sun’s rays. When I see poor souls who have lost their smiles, it compels me to give them one of mine. A smile isn’t worth much until you give it away, seeds planted in the hearts of strangers who are long out of sight becomes flowers passed on to another. A smile is free, no one is too poor not to have it and too rich not to need it.

I believe in the power of a smile, I believe that all smiles are beautiful, I believe that people from ages 1-101 can smile, I believe that each and every smile is a gift from God. I believe that smile is one of the most powerful and most underrated gifts that we, as humans posses. In today’s society, smile seems to be overlooked, it is about “the look”, and in creating that look, smiling was left out, why? To be honest, I would rather look at a magazine where there are pictures of people smiling than giving a seductive or distant gaze. Happiness may not sell but it is certainly true beauty. So what if a model’s teeth aren’t perfectly straight or pearly white? It is beautiful no matter what the condition is.

Smile embodies our ability to create and our ability to express the infinite love that is within us, so many of us go through our days dragging our feet, lamenting over our struggles, waiting for this or that to happen to cheer us up and we forget that all the while, we have this incredible tool at our disposal to raise our spirit.

Smiling is contagious, we all have our own battles to fight, each one of us! And sometimes all a person needs is a smile to reassure them that everything will be alright (because it will be). When we smile, something lights up inside us, what’s even more amazing is that we can share this gift with others.

Maybe one smile can reassure that girl who sits besides you in class, that someone sees her, that someone actually cares. Maybe one smile to a stranger you walk by in town today is all it will take to turn that rainy cloud hanging over him into a bright shining sun.

Smiling has so much benefits, some of which are ;

* changing the world- A smile has special powers, you can calm fear, insecurity, hurt and anxiety, not only in yourself but in those that are experiencing those feelings.

* smiling takes off decades from your face, it reduces wrinkles and makes you grow old sexily.

* smiling simply makes you feel better! Research shows that smiling releases serotonin, a neurotransmitter that produces feelings of happiness and wellbeing, its like a circle of happiness, smile and you feel real good.

* smiling makes you more attractive.

* smiling makes you approachable, at work, at home, in church and neighborhood.

* smiling slows the heart and relaxed the body, which causes the heart rate to be normal, therefore fights against heart problems and diseases.

* smiling increases productivity while performing task.

* smiling serves as pain killers, smile releases endorphins which lift our moods, which serves as natural painkillers for our day to day living.

* smiling boost our immune system, it helps the body relax and this let’s the immune system react more quickly and effectively against invaders.

Smiling can actually brighten and change the world around us, be a sunshine to someone today,be the reason someone goes through life irrespective of their problems and struggles.

   PRINCESS WARRIOR


​Today, I woke up with that whole purpose driven princess warrior save the world kind of vibe…………………………

A strong woman is both soft and powerful, she is both practical and spiritual, a strong woman in her essence is a gift to the world.

Ladies, we are beautiful, strong, bold, elegant, resilient, virtuous, daring, unique, talented, soulful, hypnotic, fearless, kind, we are girls, we are ladies, we are females, we are women, we are mothers, we are leaders, changers of the world.


It is time for us to get dressed for battle, we are more than princesses, we are warrior princesses, we are to go into the battlefield, even if we have no fight left inside us, academically, politically, spiritually, emotionally and otherwise, we are to draw strength from our creator and maker.

We can’t just be slay queens and slay mamas, we are to slay academically, in our classes, in examinations and in our lecture halls, we are to slay career wise, in our places of work, politically, spiritually, we are to slay in tongues, emotionally, psychologically, physiologically and otherwise,we are to slay in our homes, families and in the kitchen, let’s prove to the world that there is more to us than our physique, appearances, beauty, clothes and make-up.

Don’t be the girl who  constantly & desperately needs a man, be the girl/lady/woman a man needs…….                      “Sometimes, its the princess who kills the dragon and saves the prince”. -Samuel lowe

We are created special, as an addition, a colouring, a spice, a polish, a unique completion.

Dare to be different, be the change in a generation like this, believe in yourself, trust in God and always try to be yourself, be decent, know who you are, and what you carry inside, you are the daughter of a king, you worth more, you are priceless, you were bought at a price, you are loved.

Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim………….

             MELANIN 

So today i’m gonna be talking to a unique set of ladies, “the black girls”. So many times we’ve been treated a little different because of our colour, I lost my self esteem at a point, we’ve been bantered, ridiculed, derided and looked down upon, i’ve been called ugly, black, dark, coloured, chocolate girl etc. Well, i’ve discovered who I truly am, and today, I want to say ” I AM BLACK, I am dripping melanin and honey, I am black without apology.

Being black is an honor…..                               Because when I look in the mirror, I see strength & power, I see the courage of my ancestors.
When I look at my skin, I don’t see ugly, i See earth, the foundation of mankind.         When I look at my hair, I don’t see naps, I see gravity defying nature.

When I take long walks in the sun or listen to music, my skin and I automatically are recharged, just by me doing my favourite things.

“We don’t get red under the sun, we glow and shine brighter”.

From the colour of my skin, to the texture of my hair, to the length of my strands, to the breadth of my smile, to the stride of my gait, to the span of my arms, to the depth of my bosom, to the curve of my hips, to the glow of my skin……………………………………. My black is beautiful

It cannot be denied, it will not be contained, and only I will define it, for when I look in my mirror, my soul cries out…………………                                                My black is beautiful

Today I speak, I speak it out loud, Unabashedly, I declare it anew,                   My black is beautiful.

So my fellow ladies, put down the bleach, your skin is not dirt that needs to be cleaned like yesterday’s shirt, you are comprised of sienna, chestnut, warm mahogany, brown sugar, honey, cocoa, gold and the strength of  ten thousand moons, dark as the night sky, like rings around a tree stump, your skin shines like hot chocolate that warms winter nights. You too have history etched into your melanin, don’t let the glaring whiteness blind you from the beauty that you are.
Always remember, its so easy, it takes very little effort to be like the next person. Don’t insult yourself, be yourself, walk your walk, talk your talk. 

Be uniquely you“.                     

“A confident girl who has a strong sense of self is quite beautiful”(Stephanie Lahart).

Allow your light to shine from the inside out, self love is the greatest love of all. Respect, love, and be good to yourself, first! You matter!  You count!  You are important!

To my sisters, daughters, nieces, cousins, my colleagues, classmates, schoolmates and my friends, to all  the black girls, ladies, women all over the world, I speak for us all when I say again………………………….

MY BLACK IS BEAUTIFUL….

Diaries of a gurl in love

                      EPISODE 7

  Suzan couldn’t go to sleep that night, everything felt like a dream, she was very excited, although she was alittle bit worried about Jeff leaving for China and the distant relationship thingy, she was glad he was back in her life though, she had made up her mind to take things the way they came, one step at a time. She was lost in her thoughts and didn’t know when sleep caught up with her.

Sunday morning………………….

It was 9am already, Suzan was set already to go to Jeff’s residence, she had spent all morning telling her mum and kid sister what went down the night before, skipping all the kissing  scene shah, Suzan’s mum was happy for her daughter, although warned her to be careful and not be misled and hurt.

Suzan wore her favourite top, a coral top that was almost backless, although it had straps crossing over the back, with a straight neckline and her denim jean.

Suzan arrived at Jeff’s residence, she rang the doorbell, a pretty elderly woman answered the door, it was Jeff’s mom, Suzan could see the resemblance, she now knows how he got to be cute. They exchanged pleasantries, she was really nice to Suzan, “you must be Suzan, i’ve heard so much about you, its nice to finally meet you in person, I can see why my son has been so caught up, you are really beautiful”, said Jeff’s mom. Suzan answered her, blushing all the way, Jeff’s mum directed Suzan upstairs to Jeff’s room, Suzan thanked her and went up.

  Suzan got to the room and contemplated on either knocking on his door or just opening it, after a minute thought, she decided to just open the door, and so she did. 

Jeff was lying face down on his bed, the bed has a colourful and clean sheet, the room smelt really nice, Jeff looked sexy with his dark hair and his body, he was shirtless, Suzan was overwhelmed, she has never seen Jeff this sexy, she fell more in love. 

——————————–  On seeing Suzan, Jeff swung himself up, off the bed and started walking towards her, “come here babe”, he said, hugging Suzan tightly, he brushed his lips over hers, and kissed her full on the lips, making her melt in his arms, just like yesterday. Suzan was already intoxicated, with the love, the scent of his perfume, the room’s nice scent, the clean environment and the “kiss”.

   Suzan   was now controlling the kiss, they were already making out, Jeff broke the kiss and murmured into her ears, “we can’t, I won’t, we don’t have to go into all this, I love you too much to ruin what we have going”.

    Suzan shut Jeff up with a kiss, she was surprised and felt good, “he must have really changed, saying no to sex? It was really amazing”, Suzan thought. 

“I want to go all the way, I wanna give you a goodbye gift, something to always remember me with”, Suzan said, yanking on his trouser, he giggled and started tugging on the hem of her shirt, Jeff was already in his funny boxers. At that point, Suzan wasn’t thinking straight, no thoughts, no conscience, nothing.

*********

Jeff laid Suzan  down on his soft bed, half crushing and half supporting himself, his hands moved under her, up to her top  and pulling it up, he found the clasp on her bra Strap and pulled it off , Jeff started nibbling on her earlope and that sent Chills and Sparks through her whole body.

Suzan was lost……………………….

Jeff’s mom came knocking on his door, reminding Jeff of his flight in 40 minutes time, bringing to an end their romantic moment, Suzan and Jeff got up and started helping each other dress, laughing like kids.

They got to the airport just in time, the plane to U.S was now boarding at gate 2, Jeff has to get to the states before heading finally to China. Suzan stood there, holding on to Jeff’s hand, “be a good boy and call me the moment you land”, Suzan told Jeff, putting her arms around his neck, 

“Yes ma, I will call u as soon as I land and always, video calls, whatsapp, facebook, IMO, Viber,everywhere, cross my heart”, Jeff told her smiling, “it has to work”.

“I love you suzan”,  Jeff said kissing her forehead.

“I love you too Jeff”, Suzan told Jeff, hugging him goodbye

Suzan and Jeff’s mum kept waving till Jeff’s plane was out of his sight, soon the plane was lost into the sky. Both ladies were going to miss Jeff very much, they stood there, holding on to each other and in their minds, thinking of how they would cope without the love of their lives, missing him was going to hurt but they will both find ways to endure it. Saying goodbyes hurt…………….


                         THE  END….. 





Diaries of a gurl in love

                   EPISODE 6

“What is he doing here”, Suzan thought, she didn’t know what to do, to scream, to go down there and give him a dirty slap, to throw him out of the house or just walk out, get a cap and leave. Why will Jeff show up just minutes to her graduating dinner, which kind wahala is this, Suzan felt like the witches from her village were after her.


“She doesn’t want to talk to you, better leave our house now before I call my dad, leave immediately” Lean screamed


“Not until I speak with Suzan, I want to talk to her, I know she’s in here somewhere”, Jeff retorted. Lean stood glaring at him like a Lioness protecting her cub, Jeff stood there looking helpless. “Am begging you, I need to see her, please and please Lean, just a moment with her and I will be grateful”, Jeff continued. 

 Lean hesitated , Jeff pushed his way into the living room anyways, seeing Suzan, he stopped in his tracks, she was really looking lavishing, he was astonished and shocked.


Suzan’s dad came into the living room at that same moment, looking straight at Jeff he said; ” if you lay a single finger on my daughter, I will kill you with my bare hands, I will kill you I swear”, Suzan ran downstairs and intervened, she asked for a minute from her protective family, Lean hissed and went back to her room, Mr Agba turned back to his study room, leaving behind his door opened to eavesdrop and be ready, just in case. 


“Jeff !” Suzan called, half screening and glaring at him, ” what the hell are u doing here? You have some nerve showing up in my house, I thought I made it clear, I never wanted to see you again?”, Suzan shouted, not believing a single word she was saying, she was somehow glad he was there.

“Forgive me Suzan, I can’t continue like this, am dying inside, I came to make things right with you, and to make up for what I did to you, I will love to take you to your graduation dinner for a start, I won’t let you go alone, I promise never to hurt you again, it will never happen again, I care about you too much to stay away from you, am tired of doing that”.


Suzan just stood there,dumbfounded and confused, feeling beyond lost…….. She didn’t know what to say, hell she had nothing to say, she wasn’t sure if she was happy or what, to believe him or not, she was just speechless.

 Jeff came close, held her by the hand and said; ” I want to be your date, will you agree and give me a chance? To prove to you beyond reasonable doubt that I have changed for real”, with a cat-like sad face, he fixed his eyes on hers.

It was funny, plain funny, Suzan couldn’t hide her smile. “Are you serious right now?” Suzan asked.

 “Yes I am damn serious”, Jeff answered. After plenty more sorrys and pleads and explanations, Suzan agreed to let him take her, but in her mind, she was hoping she wasnt making a terrible decision, because she will hate herself for it. Suzan went in and explained everything to her dad, he wasn’t happy about her decision but told her he respects her decisions and choices, she’s was old enough to make her own decisions but she should be careful and not let herself get hurt again.  Suzan called Lynette to let her know she got a date at the last minute ,so she would meet up with them later on.


The ride to the venue was awefully quite, Suzan felt the silence was kinda nice though, Jeff reached over and his hands found Suzan’s, their fingers linking together , it felt so natural and easy like they actually fit perfectly, it sounded cliché to think that way but it was true,they did fit perfectly, even though they have totally different personalities.


” You look really gorgeous and ravishing, Suzan”, Jeff said

Suzan could not hide the smile forming on her face……. “Really?” She asked blushing, he answered her with a smile and a quick node 

************************************************************

There were a lot of people and cars, it was hard to notice someone, they walked in together like a couple which attracted a lot of stares, Jeff noticed that,smiled and held his hands open for her hand to slip through, they went and got a table. When they got seated and settled, Jeff started talking; “I came back weeks ago, I tried reaching out but wasn’t sure how you were going to respond , I looked for many ways to talk to you but couldn’t figure out a way, I tried Lynette, she gave me a hard time after I told her what truly happened, she later gave in and we talked at length, that was how I got to know about your graduation dinner, I had to come to clear the air and to let you know about some things. I got done with colleges 5 months ago and applied for further studies, I got an email last 2 weeks congratulating me on my admission to go for my PHD and masters in Medical Research Institute, Wuhan University, China”. 

“China?”……..like all the way out of this world?” Suzan asked with her eyes wide open


Yeah”, Jeff answered, “that is actually why I had to come see you, to tell you this and many more in person………… Suzan was shocked, she didn’t know what else to say, Jeff continued to talk, telling her he wasn’t going though, Suzan was shocked, keeping a confused face, so she asked him why he wasn’t going to accept his admission,  ” its half way around the world, I will miss my family, my friends, my life and you!” Jeff said.


“Me?” Suzan asked, staring at him


Jeff reached over and cupped her face in his hands, gently brushing his thumb over her cheek, her heart skipped a beat, “you have occupied a better part of my life, I think of you, dream of you, hell you are in my head, everything I do centers around you, I feel there’s a lot going on here and I don’t wanna loose this opportunity”, he said, he then looked into her eyes for a moment, leaned over the dinner table and kissed her incredibly soft, that sent shivers up and down her spine, and sparks through her whole body, oooooh it felt wonderful, his lips lingered on hers for a while and then he shifted his head and then his body back to his chair, remembering they were in public.

“Suzan, I know i was a complete jerk and was terrible and wicked to you, I am here to say I am greatly sorry, I am supposed to report at the school on Monday, my flight is by noon tomorrow, I don’t know how things will work out between us, I want a serious relationship with you, but I don’t want you to hold up your life because of me” he sighed and ran his hand back and forth through his black thick hair……….

 “I can wait”, Suzan said,shutting him up, “am not in a hurry, she continued,  besides I have chased away every boy and man out of my life, I have nothing to loose, I will be okay “.


There was a long silence, Suzan knew she was missing out on her dinner and awards but she was okay just being with Jeff, she wasn’t even hungry, when she was called out twice to collect her awards, she was excited but didn’t even want to leave Jeff’s side, the dinner got finished, after all the goodbyes, she left with Jeff.


They talked about the US, his school, her school and other things, when they got to her house, Jeff stooped the car and held her face and started kissing her,her heart melted, soon her fingers knotted in his hair, his hands were on her back keeping her close to him, the kiss lasted rather long, there were sparks dancing through her body, butterflies in her stomach like crazy, she felt her head and her heart ready to explode, Jeff eventually broke the kiss, he sat up slightly, pretending to adjust his car CD and the other things in the car, Suzan smiled, she knew he was just trying to be a good guy, trying not to go too far, he was really changed, Suzan thought.


“I love you, Suzan”, “I am perfectly and seriously serious about you”. 

There was a long period of silence

Jeff spoke up, ” Suzan please say something”.


“I love you too Jefferson, more than food, more than shopping, more than anything.

“And I love you too, bae, to the moon, the stars and back”, Jeff said.


****************†**************

Jeff then wrapped his arms around Suzan and she rested her head on his shoulder…,..,.. After like 15 minutes of silence, Suzan broke the silence.

“Do you think it will really work? I mean the long distance thingy, besides am still learning to forgive you”.

 

“You want an honest answer?” He sighed. “I really don’t know but one think that am sure about is the fact that I love you and you love me, we are in this together and so, it has to work”. He kissed her forhead and released her, he came out of the car, opened her door for her, took two steps backward and took a bow, she blushed as she stepped out of the car, he then lifted her up and took her to their doorstep, kissed her one last time and said goodnyt and left, he smiled as he was leaving, feeling fulfilled and thinking about tomorrow, Suzan had promised to come help him pack up , it was one of the best nights in his life, Jeff felt really excited.

DIARIES OF A GURL IN LOVE

                 EPISODE 5

 It’been 2 years since the rape incidence, the trauma became too much that Suzan had to open up to her mum, her dad eventually heard about it, it caused so much trouble between them, Suzan’s dad blamed her mum for being careless and too occupied with the lives of their kids, so they decided to take her to  counselling, hoping it would help. Suzan’s mum took her for a couple of sessions, it actually helped Suzan.

 Jeff didn’t give up on sending emails and messages on every social network he got opportunied to, Suzan read all the messages and replied a few as adviced by her counsellor, in order to forgive, forget and move forward. She felt better since then, though she couldn’t believe she was still in love with Jeff, she had tried to push his thoughts out of her mind, she had tried hating him much, so as to forget he ever existed but it wasn’t possible, she was glad he left though, his presence would have worsened the case, besides she had a lot to think about, like  her final paper on Friday and of cause her graduation dinner party, Suzan was gonna be a graduating  journalist, her dream career.

Suzan, Lynette and their other female friends had planned on going to the spa first thing Saturday morning to get their hair and nails done, she was really excited about that.

Suzan felt so out of the loop because all her female friends were gushing constantly about their boyfriends and dates, all Lynette talked about was how Micheal, her boyfriend’s tie matched perfectly with her dress, how he would look in his tux and how they were gonna dance all night long together, ‘the perfect couple’, Suzan thought.

She was gonna show up at her graduation dinner dateless and alone, all because of stupid Jeff! She had scared off all her male friends and prospective “toasters”, she couldn’t even dare ask any of the nice ones that still hung around to go with her as friends because they all had dates already.

********************************

“We can all go as friends you know right?” Lynette told Suzan on Friday after their last paper, “that way you won’t be all alone and dateless” continued Lynette, Suzan was reluctant at first but got persuaded by her other friends. Micheal told her it would be nice to show up with two beautiful damsels as his date, Suzan had to agree 

Saturday morning…………………

Suzan’s human hair weavon was straightened to absolute perfection, it was soft and shiny, her hands and legs were both manicured and painted, her body was waxed and her brows plucked to within an inch, something they all agreed and sworn not to experience anytime soon, they had spent a whole day and now they were all rushing home to get set and ready……..

Suzan had spent the last half hour on her makeup, listening to Lean’s instructions and also following the guide she had downloaded on Google, she felt she had a professional make up and was ready to go. 

With her hair done and her makeup in place, her dress looked even better on her than when she had tried it in the boutique, the purple gown looked really great on her light skin and she glowed with the sparkling lilac eye shadow and pink lipstick, she looked great, she knew it, hell she felt it, she hadn’t felt so normal and refreshed in ages, like the rape situation never happened.

“Well, if I’m gonna show up dateless, i’ll look pretty damn awesome doing it”, Suzan told herself firmly in front of her big mirror………. 

She sighed and started picking up her black and shiny clutch and shoe, checking herself one last time in the mirror when she heard the knock downstairs, Micheal and Lynette were quite early she thought, thank God she was ready already.

Suzan was opening her door when she heard the hot argument downstairs, she recognized the voice immediately, it was him, it had to be………………

 BEHIND THE SMILE

The prettiest smile hides the deepest secrets……. The prettiest eyes have cried the most tears…. The kindest hearts have felt the most pain…..

Behind my is a broken heart.                         Behind my laugh I’m falling apart.             Behind my eyes are tears at night.               Behind my body is a soul trying to fight

You will never know unless you wish to know…….. Unless you look closely you may never see……

This girl I am isn’t me.                                     The girl you see smiling all day.                   The girl you see laughing all the time.         Its all lies…………………..

All she ever does is cry all night.                   All is does is worry, cry,fight fruitless battles in her closet.                                          

She smiles because smiling has always been easier than explaining her sadness and sorrow, it hides it all, and for a moment, makes things better and makes the heart stronger

Today, today she chooses to be that girl no more.                                                                She chooses to let the rain wash away all the pain, the sadness, the sorrow, the grief, the loss, the heartache,the failures, the disappointments, the shame of yesterday.                                          No more scars, everything alright, everything calm

So today, I choose life, I choose to laugh, I choose to let go, I choose to smile even when am sad, to laugh as much as I breathe, to learn from my mistakes, because life is too short to be anything but happy….

– DAYA

MOTHER’S DAY

It’s Mother’s Day again, and I’m trying to make it through, because this day reminds me of all the things I miss about you.

I miss your face smiling down at me, with love shining from your eyes.
I miss the way you’d laugh at my silly songs and actions so hard that it made you cry.

I miss the touch of your dear hands,how gentle and kind they could be.
I miss the warmth of your hugs, and how you’d wrap me up tight as could be.

I miss the way you could always tell when something had gone wrong with me, how you’d talk and smile till I felt better, your words soothed me like a song.

And so I sit here once again remembering these things I miss, and this year; just like every year, i make a silent wish:

I wish that one day I’ll see you again, Whole safe and sound.
That you’ll take my hand securely in yours, and for Heaven we’ll be bound.

I could spend each Mother’s Day in sorrow, Crying and wishing you were here, but instead I choose to celebrate your life, a life I still hold so dear.

I know you’d rather see me smile than stand here with tears in my eyes.
So I’ll do my best to honor your memory, and you’ll live on as long as I am alive.

Dedicated to my mum: late Mrs Lydia Deshi IMG-20160127-WA002.png

Diaries of a Gurl in Love

EPISODE 4

As Jeff stood up, putting on his shirt and zipping his trouser with a triumphant look on his face, Suzan lay on the carpet of the floor in the parlor. Her face was drenched with tears and sweat, her trouser too, drenched in her sweat, tears and blood.

Suzan had cried so much that she couldn’t cry any longer, her voice was lost, all she could do was lay back and flash back at the memories of her relationship, how it all began, how she met this handsome demon.

It was a cold Saturday morning, she was lying lazily on Lynette’s bed as she was spending that weekend in the hostel. She had picked her phone and turned on her data, of course she went straight to Facebook, saw a friend request and decided to check on the person’s profile. It was Jeffery Kalu, gosh he had the cutest face she has ever seen, his pictures told her everything she needed to know, his physique, the packs, the hair, he practically looked like an angel, she immediately accepted the friend request, a message popped up, it was Jeff saying hello as if he was waiting for her to accept the request.

They chatted and talked on Facebook, Imo, Whatsapp, everywhere, every minute of every day until the mishap; the day Jeff raped her.

She tried picturing all the events and happenings that occurred during the period of dating Jeff to find out if he gave her some clues about being a rapist or so. She wanted to check if she did anything that gave him the opportunity to do this wicked act, if she was just blind not to have noticed his intensions from the beginning or if she was just stupid to have fallen in love like that and to give her heart and trust so easily. She felt hurt, betrayed, stupid, naive, angry and mad at Jeff and at herself, she kept going over and over feeling bad for herself and crying till she fell asleep.

Suzan woke up the next day feeling sore and tired. She tried to push away yesterday’s thought but it was difficult. She cleaned up all the mess and got ready for school, Lynette noticed her friend was not looking okay, she tried finding out what was wrong but Suzan said she was okay, Lynette didn’t want to push further as she knew her friend, whatever it is, she was gonna hint her on it whenever she was ready.

Suzan kept this secret so bad that it was eating her up, she was scared of being pregnant, she was scared of the stigma that might follow her, she feared people will blame her for inviting him over to her home when she knew she was all alone, she couldn’t bear the pain of telling her best friend that the cute, loving and romantic prince charming of hers was a rapist, so she just told Lynette she broke up with Jeff because he was a jerk.

Two months later, Suzan got a mail. It was Jeff; she couldn’t believe the demon had some nerve writing her, she was so angry she couldn’t open it and read. Lynette convinced her to read it saying maybe he realized he made a mistake and was sorry or maybe he felt bad about how things ended or maybe he wanted her back. But she was in the dark, she didn’t know about the rape, she thought it was just a break up and felt Suzan should forgive Jeff and let go.

After much persuasion, Suzan read the mail. Jeff apologized for being a selfish son of a b****, he confessed and told her what really brought him to Nigeria. He told her he had never felt guilty after the 4 rape episodes he had had, till her case and he could no longer keep it to himself.  After he had told his mom, she advised him to apologize even if Suzan won’t accept the apology.

He confessed falling in love with her, he promised to keep emailing her even if she won’t open or read them. He told her how she had changed him, she had made him a better person. He felt there wasn’t need for him to rape girls again, he felt disgusted at himself. He was really sorry, he just wanted an opportunity to start all over again, especially with her.

Suzan cried after reading it, she was still angry at Jeff. How could he say he still loved her, how would he toy with her heart?  She trusted him more than she had loved him but he threw her love and trust to the dogs. She felt she could never forgive him though she still loved him, she had become so scared that the slightest touch from someone, male or female got her startled, she had shut out her male friends, had almost stopped eating, felt miserable all thanks to Jeff, no she could not forgive him.

She deleted the mail, blocked him on Facebook, deleted his number and deleted all the pictures they had taken together on her phone. He had his chance, he lost it.

Watch out for part 2